(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
True
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Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?