‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
oh my gosh!!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes