‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
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Any refunds available?…
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick