‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
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At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it