Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!