Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

🎉🥳

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.