Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

What.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right