Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.