Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
#Caturday
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me as a therapist: omg same
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me