Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again