Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?