Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Now, where’s the sport in that?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
*serious situation*
My brain:
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…