Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
You Might Also Like
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]