Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Nothing to do, you say?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.