Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
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Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
whatcha thinkin bout
