Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
You Might Also Like
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit