Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .