Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

found a horse’s reddit account

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.