Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Eat…
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream