Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)