Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
LOL
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Omg 🤣
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop