Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.