Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one