Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

next level snooze

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars