Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
how to have an accident 101
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.