Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Twitter is the new flypaper.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.