Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking