Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

When I snag the last meatball.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.