Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

fair

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

BRO LMFAO

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

In case you needed to hear it:

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.