[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
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A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!