Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
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5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!