Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
You Might Also Like
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
One of the best
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”