Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

sure, why not

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police