Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Split the bill

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

guys i’ve cracked the code

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault