Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?