Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad