HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I want what they have
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Just a bush.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?