Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?
Put a toy for babies on its tail.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
School Review Board: you only want pure blood children to attend?
Salazar Slytherin: that is true.
School Review Board: and you have a room with a giant snake that attacks children?
Salazar Slytherin: also true.
School Review Board: *stamp* approved
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week