A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight