HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Gods work.