@AndyRichter

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

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@junejuly12

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

@thedad

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

@hazelmotes1

This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?

Put a toy for babies on its tail.

YES

@xLiserx

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

@morninggloria

A confusing chart has led me to believe we are spending exorbitant amounts of money surgically transforming people into fighter jets

@IamEveryDayPpl

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

@steeve_again

School Review Board: you only want pure blood children to attend?

Salazar Slytherin: that is true.

School Review Board: and you have a room with a giant snake that attacks children?

Salazar Slytherin: also true.

School Review Board: *stamp* approved

@UnFitz

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

@minkpinkustink

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week