HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
That’s classic.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it