Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
What the hell is going on?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email