Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?