Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Sending in my taxes

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints