Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.