Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Note to self: always read the final line

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

my fav colour is also hitler

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.