Headlines With Threatening Auras.
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I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
happy halloween
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.