Headlines With Threatening Auras.
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early stone age tool
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
🇺🇸🤭
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.