Headlines With Threatening Auras.
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I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If you had more money you’d be happier.