Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit