Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
How I’d get arrested…
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.