Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying