Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13