Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason