HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
blocked.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Anime is real
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2