HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
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79.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
(Musicians.)
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot