HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
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Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.