Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
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Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing