Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Got ya covered
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife