Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
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I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
being a writer on Twitter:
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.