Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.