Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.