Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
set yourself free xox
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Saw this yesterday lol
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*