All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My boss called in sick of me
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…