Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
You Might Also Like
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.