Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras