Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.