Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?