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‘SevenDays’

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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

felt that

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Monday

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.