health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
starting a garage orchestra
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted