Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
How it started How it’s going
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Lmao
