Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
You sure about that?
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Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then