Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
socratic questions
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.