Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”