Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”