Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.