Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me: